worst names
Bambi, Brandi, Candi, Taffi, & Tammi/ Bertha & Bud Snoogie
Crystal & Tiffani
Dolores Umbridge
Esther Stufflebean
Harry Pooper/ Hister
Jeanie
Peggy
Ralph Eugene Meatyard
favorite insults
As disciplined as an army of cats
Continuation of institutionalized silence
Excitable little troll, isn’t he?
Fatard
Lurching sows
Sloppy, selfish, hedonistic t***muchner
They don’t laugh much. They own no books, no playing cards, no games.
Weasely little turd
TIMES OF THE DAY
400- The time main circuit party dances usually end, with revelers moving to after-hours parties.
500- Typical time of day for farmers to rise to milk cows & feed animals. Chief Information Officer John Halamka rises & starts on an annual information technology report on a typical day. Marines wake up with ten minutes to groom & shave. The monks at Plum Village rise.
510- The marines are falling in for morning calisthenics & running.
530- United States naval cadets rise for an optional physical workout.
600- The information officer works on strategic plans. The monks engage in sitting & walking meditation. This is a typical time for office workers to rise, get ready for work, & prepare their children for daycare.
630- The cadets get any special instructions for the day. The marines are having morning chow. This was a typical time for Edwardian footmen to rise, wash, & dress in their morning livery.
645- Maids following Emily Post’s Schedule for a One-Maid House rise, wash & dress.
700- Cadets attend morning meal formation. Maids heat water & lay the breakfast table. Footmen wake the butler with tea & washing water. President Obama rises, exercises for 45 minutes, dresses, breakfasts, reads newspapers, & sees the girls off to school.
715- Workers commute to work.
730- This was the hour that Louis XIV would rise to be combed, shaved & washed before a few favorites before dressing & drinking a bowl of broth in front of a crowd of about 100. On a typical day, ballet dancer Jennifer Fournier wakes, washes herself & her daughter, dresses herself & her daughter, feeds herself & her daughter, and packs lunches for herself & her daughter. Footmen are laying the breakfast table. The maids cook breakfast & eat their own breakfast. The monks eat breakfast. On a typical day, Queen Elizabeth II is awoken with breakfast in bed, listens to a radio broadcast, & reads the Racing Post.
755- The cadets begin four hours of classes.
800- The farmers are eating breakfast. The footmen deliver breakfast in bed to anyone not breakfasting in the dining room. The information officer has a mandatory medical test. The maids are serving breakfast.
815- The footmen are eating breakfast. The workers are working.
830- The footmen are assisting the men of the house in bathing & shaving. The information officer meets with a senior vice president. The maids clear the breakfast table; wash dishes; pick up the living room; sweep the dining room, kitchen, & halls; & get the market list from the mistress of the house. The marines are beginning daily training. The queen is rising to dress.
900- This was the usual hour for Marie Antoinette to rise, dress, say prayers, & eat breakfast. The dancer drops her daughter at school. The farmer begins daily seasonal work: grinding feed; planting or cultivating corn; cutting, raking, baling, or unloading hay; working on the tractor; getting supplies in town. The footmen conduct a final inspection of the breakfast table. The information officer works on submissions for some grants. This was a usual hour for 18th-century ladies of leisure to rise. Monks begin their mindful work period.
915- The footmen attend the morning prayer in the main hall.
930- The dancer arrives at the studio if it is a non-performance day, checks the bulletin board, changes, & warms up. The footmen serve & clear breakfast in the dining room. The president arrives at his office & is briefed by his chief of staff, national-security team, & treasury secretary. The queen meets with her private secretary to go over the day’s program: inaugurating new ventures, lunches with artists or executives, receiving ambassadors, and/or visits to hospitals.
1000- Louis & his courtiers process through the Grand Apartments, before an admiring crowd, to attend mass. The dancer attends class & maintains her shoes if it is a non-performance day. The footmen check back the glass & silver from breakfast. The information officer has an interview. The ladies of leisure breakfast. The maids make beds, clean bathrooms, sweep, dust, & empty wastebaskets.
1100- Louis meets with his ministers. Marie visits members of the royal family. The dancer attends class if it is a performance day. The footmen have tea in the servants’ hall. The information officer tapes an instructional video. The ladies of leisure practice drawing or harpsichord. The maids do special work for the day: they clean one room thoroughly- if it is an easily-cleaned room, they then polish silver, make a sweet, or prepare vegetables. The president meets with legislators & lobbyists for about five hours.
1115- The footmen lay the luncheon table.
1130- The dancers attend a rehearsal if it is a non-performance day.
1200- Marie officially dresses in front of the ladies of the court, attends mass, eats lunch at a public viewing, then visits with the king for an hour. The farmers & footmen are sitting down to lunch. The information officer sends emails. The marines are sitting down to noon chow. The workers are heating up their lunches.
1205- Cadets attend noon meal formation. Circuit after-hours parties are winding down & revelers are moving poolside to tan & snooze.
1215- The dancer applies makeup if it is a matinée performance day, styles her hair, & dresses in her costume.
1230- Maids prepare luncheon & lay the luncheon table. The workers are finishing up lunch at their desks.
1245- Footmen have a final inspection of the luncheon table.
1250- Cadets train in companies for a half hour. The maids are serving luncheon.
1300- Louis eats lunch in his private apartment, receiving high-ranking courtiers. The farmers are returning to the fields. Footmen serve & clear luncheon. The information officer attends a committee meeting. The ladies of leisure practice translation. The marines are continuing their training from the morning.
1330- Cadets attend classes for the next two hours. Dancers attend final warmup if it is a matinée performance day. The maids clear the luncheon table, wash dishes, bathe, change their dresses, & rest in their rooms.
1400- Louis hunts or walks in the gardens. Dancers perform a matinée on a performance day. The ladies of leisure go for a walk. The monks rest.
1430- The dancer has lunch & a massage if there is time on a non-performance day. The footmen get a 1.5 hour break unless accompanying their family on visits or running errands. The queen walks alone in the gardens, then engages in social duties for the remainder of her workday.
1500- Marie visits members of the royal family again. The information officer reviews disaster recovery plans. The ladies of leisure read. The maids are on duty in the kitchen to answer the door if needed.
1530- The dancer may be fitted for a costume on a non-performance day. The monks go to class or study.
1545- Cadets engage in athletics, drills, and/or parades- if none planned, then personal activities.
1600- Marie visits with her confessor & gives her confession for the day. The farmers feed the animals again, call the cows in from the pasture, & scoop manure into the spreader. Footmen have tea in the servants’ hall. Ladies of leisure have dinner followed by backgammon. Workers get off work- pick up children at daycare, eat dinner, tidy house, bathe children.
1615- The president meets with the Secretary of State & the Vice-President.
1630- The dancer showers & grabs dinner on a performance day. The farmers are having a snack with their kids as they return from school.
1700- Marie practices harpsichord & singing. Circuit partiers move inside for the afternoon tea dance. Footmen serve & clear tea in the drawing room, then dress in their evening livery. The information officer has a dental or other medical appointment. Maids prep dinner & set the table. The marines are sitting down to evening chow.
1730- The dancer applies makeup, styles hair, dresses, and warms up on an evening performance day. The farmers are milking cows.
1800- Louis signs letters prepared for him, then meets with secretaries of state in his favorite’s apartment. Footmen lay the dinner table. The information officer has dinner with his family. Marines are addressed by their drill sergeants & receive their mail. Monks eat an optional dinner.
1830- Marie visits members of the royal family again. Cadets have their evening meal. The dancer showers & returns home to make dinner on a non-performance day. Maids serve dinner. The president has dinner with his family. The queen meets with the prime minister. The workers are playing with their kids.
1900- Marie goes out for the evening, plays cards, or takes a walk. The farmers are having dinner. Footmen assist men of the house in dressing for dinner. The information officer spends time with his family. Ladies of leisure have tea & practice piano. Maids wash dishes, and put the kitchen & dining room in order for the night.
1930- The dancer has dinner with her family on a non-performance day, or performs on a performance day. The queen has a drink with her husband, works a crossword, watches television with supper on a tray. Workers put children to bed, prep lunch & dinner for next day, do laundry, watch TV or read if there’s time.
2000- Cadets have a three-hour study period. The farmers are going to bed. Footmen serve & clear dinner. The information officer responds to emails. The marines are meeting in their platoons. Monks engage in sitting meditation.
2030- The dancer puts her daughter to bed & has a couple hours with her husband before bed on a non-performance day. The footmen are attending on a dinner party. The marines are getting personal time to write letters, work out, do laundry, shave, clean their barracks, or polish their boots. The president responds to emails & phone calls until bed.
2100- Circuit partiers move to the main event dance. The maids are relaxing in their rooms. The president is closing up his office for the night.
2130- Marie is asleep. Footmen have supper in the servants’ hall. The maids are getting ready for bed. The marines have lights out. Monks begin noble silence. The president is getting ready for bed.
2200- Louis eats dinner at a public viewing, says a ceremonial good-night to the ladies of the court, & retires to his apartment to meet with family members & friends. The dancer showers & returns home on a performance day. Footmen undress & fall into bed. The information officer practices music or other personal interests. Ladies of leisure have supper. The president & workers are asleep.
2230- The dancer is on her way home on a performance night or relaxing at home on a non-performance night. Monks turn their lights out.
2300- The queen goes to bed to read confidential government papers.
2330- The dancer goes to bed.
2400- Louis gives a few final instructions to his closest allies before drawing his bed curtains. The queen turns her lights out.
CHARACTERS BY TITLE
MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS: Hercule Poirot/ Mister Ratchett/ Monsieur Bouc/ actress Missus Hubbard/ Princess Dragomiroff/ Dragomiroff’s maid Hildegarde/ Hubbard’s daughter Countess Andrenyi/ Andrenyi’s husband, the Count/ Ratchett’s secretary Hector MacQueen/ Ratchett’s valet Masterman/ Colonel Arbuthnot/ former governess Mary Debenham
PEANUTS: Charlie Brown/ Linus van Pelt/ Lucy van Pelt/ Sally Brown/ Schroeder/ Pig-Pen/ Peppermint Patty/ Marcie/ Snoopy/ Violet/ Woodstock/ Franklin
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: Pelegosto/ Governor Weatherby Swann/ Tia Dalma/ Captain Barbossa/ Captain Jack Sparrow/ Will Turner/ Elizabeth Swann/ Bo’sun/ Davy Jones/ Lord Cutler Beckett/ Angelica/ Blackbeard
QUEER AS FOLK: Michael Novotny/ Brian Kinney/ Emmett Honeycutt/ Ted Schmidt/ Sheba, Queen of Babylon/ Doctor David Cameron/ Debbie Novotny/ Jennifer Taylor/ Justin Taylor/ Lindsay Peterson/ Melanie Marcus/ Professor Ben Bruckner
SCOOBY-DOO: Scooby-Doo/ Norville “Shaggy” Rogers/ Fred Jones/ Daphne Blake/ Velma Dinkley/ Count Dracula/ Frankenstein’s monster/ Larry Talbot/ bride of Frankenstein/ Jacob Marley/ Imhotep/ Quasimodo
SLEEPING BEAUTY: Princess Aurora/ Prince Désiré/ Maleficent Carabosse/ Flora/ Dominio/ Fauna/ Merryweather/ Maleficent’s chief goon/ King/ Queen/ Dwarf/ Chaplain
SOAPDISH: Celeste Talbert/ leading man Jeffrey Anderson/ Celeste’s niece Lori Craven/ Montana Moorehead/ writer Rose Schwarz/ Blair Brennan/ producer David Seton Barnes/ brunette actress Ariel Maloney/ casting director Betsy Faye Sharon/ executive Edmund Edwards/ wardrobe mistress Tawny Miller/ Mark
STAR WARS: Darth Vader/ Luke Skywalker/ Emperor Palpatine/ Master Yoda/ Jabba the Hutt/ C-3PO/ Princess Leia/ Oola/ Obi-Wan Kenobi/ R2-D2/ Owen Lars/ Beru Lars
SWAN LAKE: Odette/ Odile/ Prince Siegfried/ Von Rothbart/ the Sovereign Princess/ Siegfried’s friend Benno/ Siegfried’s tutor Wolfgang/ Baron von Stein/ Baroness von Stein/ Baron von Schwarzfels/ Baroness von Schwarzfels/ herald
THE EDWARDIAN COUNTRY HOUSE: Master/ Housekeeper/ Chef/ Groom/ First Footman/ Second Footman/ Lady’s Maid/ Hallboy/ Mistress/ Elder Heir/ Younger Heir/ Sister
THE HOBBIT: Bilbo Baggins/ Smaug the Golden/ Gandalf the Grey/ Thorin Oakenshield/ Elrond the Elf-Lord/ the Great Goblin/ the Elvenking/ Balin/ Gollum/ Beorn/ Bard the Bowman/ Dáin II Ironfoot
THE MUPPETS: Kermit the Frog/ Miss Piggy/ Fozzie Bear/ Animal/ Janice/ Beaker/ Sweetums/ Crazy Harry/ the Great Gonzo/ Pepe the King Prawn/ Rizzo the Rat/ Rowlf the Dog
THE NUTCRACKER; Clara/ the Nutcracker/ the Mouse King/ the Sugar Plum Fairy/ Arabian Coffee/ Chinese Tea/ Spanish Chocolate/ Russian Peppermint/ the President/ his wife/ Fritz/ Herr Drosselmeyer
THE RESCUERS: Bernard/ Bianca/ Penny/ Medusa/ Brutus/ Nero/ Luke/ Ellie Mae/ MIster Snoops/ Orville/ Rufus/ Evinrude
THE ROCKY & BULLWINKLE SHOW: Bullwinkle/ Rocky/ Boris Badenov/ Natasha Fatale/ Fearless Leader/ Dudley Do-Right/ Snidely Whiplash/ Commander McBragg/ Mister Big/ moon man Gidney/ moon man Cloyd/ Captain Peter Peachfuzz
THE SIMPSONS: Homer/ Marge/ Bart/ Lisa/ Patty Bouvier/ Selma Bouvier/ Ralph Wiggum/ Snake/ Maggie/ Santa’s Little Helper/ Snowball/ Akira
TO WONG FOO: Chi-Chi Rodriguez/ Vida Boheme/ Noxeema Jackson/ Sheriff Dollard/ tough Tommy/ Bobby Ray/ David Barton/ RuPaul/ wife Carol Ann/ shy Beatrice/ husband Virgil/ spunky Merna
TWELFTH NIGHT: Viola/ Sebastian/ Duke Orsino/ Countess Olivia/ Olivia’s serving-woman Maria/ Sebastian’s captain Antonio/ Orsino’s gentleman Valentine/ Priest/ Malvolio/ Sir Toby Belch/ Sir Andrew Aguecheek/ Feste
WILL & GRACE: Will Truman/ Grace Adler/ Karen Walker/ Jack McFarland/ Rosario Salazar/ Smitty the bartender/ Jack’s boss Dorleen/ Beverley Leslie/ Will’s client Harlin Polk/ Jack’s heir Elliot/ Grace’s mom Bobbi Adler/ patriarch George Truman
ZORRO: Don Diego de la Vega/ Governor Alvarado/ Captain Ramon/ Sergeant Gonzalez/ Diego’s deaf mute servant Bernardo/ Diego’s lover Lolita Pulido/ patriarch Don Carlos Pulido/ Lolita’s mother Doña Catalina Pulido/ Father Felipe/ patriarch Don Alejandro Vega/ boy/ peon
